Why now? I was doing so well with my weight loss.
Mostly I was ANGRY at his choice that deeply effected his wife and three teenagers, then myself, my younger brother, my mom and dad and EVERYONE who loved him. I felt with all my heart, he would take it back if he could. Something took over my brother's mind and I began to think of his suffering which led to a deep sadness that I still feel. Tomorrow will be five months since we lost our dear Jim and just before Christmas, we are all suffering. Today, I have the courage to write and update my followers on what has been going on in my life.
The first few weeks after my brother's funeral I lost weight and I worked out because I wanted so bad to continue the battle. However, deep down, knowing the thirty years of emotional eating had come to a whole new level. Losing my brother to suicide has me upside down. I don't know when I will be able to commit again. I have gained only five pounds and I know if I don't get a hold of it, I will gain all I had lost, bringing me more sadness. I told my story to someone who said, "Do it for your brother." I cried immediately, Jim and I both struggled with weight our whole lives. I know he would be proud to see me lose weight but damn it!
The struggle is DEEPER now than ever before.
Part of my enthusiasm to lose weight came from my medication adjustments as I have shared before. I was diagnosed bi-polar and the new medication helped stable my emotions which led me to be able to make good choices without all the negative messages attached to eating. Now, with all the stress I have from working full time and losing my brother, I have not wanted to take the time to make sure I prepare healthy meals (and take care of myself). My brother probably suffered from bi-polar which would explain his good mood the weekend prior to the Tuesday morning he died. The feeling I have now is scary, since, I, too, have felt that kind of darkness in the past. However, I am here for a reason. I was diagnosed and put on proper medication for a reason. I am unsure where I would be if it weren't for this fact. A woman from my Bible Study said, "God prepared you, Terra." I could then see how He prepared me in other ways as well. SO....I MUST move forward and fight this battle Jim and I both suffered from and I will come out on top for both my brother and I.
I must. I have no other choice.
