My Story

My brother, Jim and I in 2008

Negative messages either from our peers, relatives or media can make or break who we become in life.  I've been overweight since I was six years old, thirty years have went by believing I will always be overweight.  All through elementary school and Junior High I was teased by my peers.  I didn't know how to stand up for myself so I quietly stood in the corner of the play ground hoping to avoid the other children.  However, they sought me out and fed me messages I forever carried with me.  My mother took me to Weight Watchers when I was 13 years old, weighing in at 208 pounds and within a year I lost 60 pounds. Though I looked and felt better, the messages never left me, they were deep in my subconscious.  I looked at the other girls and thought I still wasn't perfect like they were.  I gained back twenty pounds by the time I graduated high school.  

I spent years continuing the silence, in the work place and socializing with people.  I married a wonderful man who told me a woman ought to have curves so my self esteem began to hang on his words of self assurance.  I became jealous and demanded his words of approval.  When we married and had our first child, I gained over seventy pounds.  I began to feel unworthy of his love as we were struggling to begin our family.  He and I grew apart and to this day he has never admitted feeling unattractive to me.  Whether he had or not, I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.  

After I had our second child I began to seek help.  I found a diet group and as I sat in the group I kept thinking, "I have to get to the source of my problems.  This is more than a diet, there is a deep emotional need that kept me eating".  I soon found a group called Overeaters Anonymous or OA and there I began a journey that ended in more dysfunctional eating because I was too afraid to face my emotions head on, though I thought I had.  I blamed the group for my failure and my new formed bad habit of bulimia. I quit the bulimia and the fifty pounds I lost came back in the past seven years I had given up.  I settled into the idea I was always going to be fat.  I went to college and found my identify there, becoming an honor role student.  After five years of going to school part time, I had an emotional crash.  I wrote in my journal and figured I couldn't be successful in life if my body was broken down.  

The ten years I spent in health care, helping other people by lifting and bending over began to take a toll on my body.  Not a day goes by after I work an eight hour shift that I don't experience shoulder, joint, hip, back, ankle and feet pain.  My deep belief that I am fat lead me to never work out and never try to eat healthy.  The elderly people I take care work out every day and are in better shape than I am!  I know I can do my job better if I am at a normal weight and my muscles are strong.  Not only did the pain and the shame pile up I began to experience another health problem.  I began to feel very weak and tired at various times which lead me to the Doctor's office to find out I am pre-diabetic.  I ignored my health all of my life and the reality of it put me into a state of shock.

Finally, I am ready to get serious.  I have set seven goals for myself.  Each goal is broken down to 10% of my weight.  By the time I reach my forth goal, I will have lost over 100 pounds.  I want to feel better than I did at twenty five.  It's no longer about looking good for me, it's about making the next forty years of my life better, both physically and mentally.

My Weight Loss Goals

1. 28.4 pnds
2. 25.6 pnds
3. 23.0 pnds
4. 20.7 pnds
5. 18.6 pnds
6. 16.8 pnds
7. 15.1 pnds